


A Strong and Persistent Identification

by JulisCaesar



Category: Lost Girl
Genre: Canon Queer Relationship, Cissexism, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Nonbinary Character, Other, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 05:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1971087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulisCaesar/pseuds/JulisCaesar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Hecuba, Bo returns to Lauren's apartment, expecting sleepy, horny Lauren. When Bo verbally missteps, the two have a bit more to talk about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Strong and Persistent Identification

**Author's Note:**

> Fix-it fic for 3.1

Lauren rolled over sleepily at the sound of footsteps. “Bo?”

“Yeah,” Bo said, apparently trying to be quiet. Something clattered and Bo swore quietly. “How the hell do you navigate this place at night?”

Laughing, Lauren pulled the covers back up. “Usually I don’t.”

Bo muttered something under her breath. “Well since this is my first night here…”

Lauren had to sigh, smiling. “Just come to bed.”

Something else clattered, and there was the unmistakable sound of Bo falling over a table. “I’m trying.”

Reaching up lazily, Lauren flicked the light switch.

Bo blinked rapidly. “Ah. Thanks.” She shed clothes quickly, dropping them on the floor. Underneath, she had on a matching set of black lace lingerie.

Lauren tried to keep from looking too shocked.

From the smile on Bo’s face, it wasn’t too successful. “I hope you’re well rested.”

Lauren smiled back, slowly. “I’m better than before, that’s for sure.”

Bo shook her head and sat on the edge of the bed. “God, that warden—I don’t even know where to start, man, he had _problems_.”

Not quite flinching, Lauren swallowed. “She.”

“Hm?” Bo rolled over, running her fingers over Lauren’s hand.

“ _She_ had problems,” Lauren corrected.

Looking up, Bo snorted. “There was a dick, Lauren, I’m pretty sure—”

Lauren did flinch at that and Bo was observant enough to tell.

“What’s wrong?”

The word _nothing_ almost slipped out of Lauren’s throat. After a long silence, Lauren said quietly, “No more secrets.”

Bo frowned. “I thought we’d dealt with all of those.”

Lauren tucked a strand of hair behind one ear. “There’s a—a difference between sex and gender.”

“What, you mean like having sex?”

Despite the situation, Lauren nearly smiled. The question was so completely _Bo_. “No. I mean there’s a difference between your physical sex and your gender.”

Bo looked like she was about to say something sarcastic, but then her eyes met Lauren’s and she paused. “Go on.”

Warming to the topic, Lauren sat up. “Sex is your physical appearance.” Lauren paused, trying to sort out the words. “Gender is…your interaction with society’s concept of male and female.”

Bo nodded slowly.

“In many people, they match. In some people they don’t. Those people are considered transgender.”

She quirked a smile. “Like drag queens.”

Lauren sighed. “Not really. Most drag queens consider themselves male, even if they wear clothing meant for women.”

Groaning, Bo flopped back on the pillow.

“It’s complicated, Bo, I know it is, but no worse than Fae politics.”

Bo laughed at that. “It’d better be.”

Lauren rubbed one eye. “Okay, so I don’t know what the Warden identifies as. If I had to guess—which I _don’t_ like doing—I think the Warden is a woman, from the outfit and the way she acts.”

Bo looked up. “How’re you supposed to know?”

“You ask,” Lauren said simply. “ _Politely_.”

Bo had another confused look on, so Lauren tried to explain it.

“Let’s say I don’t know you. We’re introduced, and I ask, ‘Bo, which pronouns do you prefer?’ If you’re not transgender, you probably give me a strange look—” Lauren smiled. “Like the one you have on right now, and say something useless. If you _are_ transgender, you look at me like I hung the moon and say which pronouns. Usually he, him, his or she, her, but not always.”

Bo put the pillow over her face. “Not always?”

Lauren bit down on cheek tissue, belatedly remembering to keep it soft enough not to break through and cause a canker sore. “No. Some people have genders that don’t fit the man-woman dichotomy.”

“What are you going to do for entertainment when I stop asking basic questions?” Bo said, pulling the pillow away from her eyes for a moment.

Lauren watched her for a second, and then ran a finger down Bo’s side.     

Bo grinned widely. “Good answer.”

They laid there, only touching where Lauren’s fingers were resting on Bo’s skin, but their eyes were locked.

“You mentioned no more secrets,” Bo said suddenly. “What was that about?”

Lauren looked away. “Some people aren’t men or women.”

Bo might have been ignorant, but she certainly wasn’t stupid. “ _You_?”

Flinching, Lauren nodded. “Yeah.”

“Jesus _fuck_.” Bo actually sat up at that, looking completely bewildered. “Fuck, you’re a-? A, I don’t even know what. What the _hell_ , Lauren?”

Lauren swallowed heavily. “Bo, I—I’m sorry, but—”

Bo shook her head. “No, just—a minute, okay?” She arched away slightly from Lauren’s touch; by the way she moved, it was probably unconscious. “Now hold on, you’ve definitely got a clit.”

“Sex and gender are not the same,” Lauren repeated quietly, holding onto the phrase.

“How do I know?” Bo burst out, sliding off the bed. Standing up, she started pacing. “All I know is what you’ve told me, and, sorry, but the last two times we had sex, you were _lying_!”

Lauren closed both eyes and took a deep breath. “There was a study from 2007 that found that human brains differentiate, usually between male and female, in the second half of pregnancy, while the gonads differentiate in the first two months. Repeated studies have found that in sexually dimorphic areas of the brain, transgender people have areas more like those of their identified gender, rather than the one they were assigned at birth. A study this year in Scotland found that trans people of every identity do better mentally after transition.” Looking up at Bo, Lauren smiled tightly. “I understand if you want me to leave.”

Bo was shaking her head. “Look, I—I don’t get it. I have no idea what you’re on about, or this whole sex gender thing. None.”

Nodding slowly, Lauren stood to get clothes.

“But I care about you,” Bo said, walking around the bed to cut Lauren off. “And if that means adjusting without understanding why, so be it. ‘Cause it’s worth a little confusion to keep from hurting you.”

Lauren had to take several deep breaths to keep from crying. Swiping a hand across both eyes, Lauren nodded slowly. “Thank you.”

Bo took Lauren’s hands in her own. “I’m here for you. Whatever you are.”

The statement could have been better worded, but Lauren got the sentiment. “I—I don’t know how to thank you.”

“Then tell me which pronouns you use,” Bo said.

Lauren noticed that she didn’t take the obvious route and go for the innuendo, which usually meant that Bo was taking things seriously. “Well, I—They’re called Spivak pronouns, although I use a modified form. Anyway, it’s pretty simple if you know grammar—”

Bo had a typically sarcastic expression on.

“No then,” Lauren said, not even remotely surprised. “A little more difficult. Okay. Ey is the subject form, meaning you use it anytime you would normally use she. Eir is the possessive form, so you use it when you would use her, as in ‘her car’. Em is the object form, also replacing her, but with ‘I met her’ this time. Do you…”

Bo sighed, sliding her fingers over Lauren’s wrists. “I don’t suppose you could make a chart?”

Lauren smiled slightly. “I could, yes.”

Bo looked down, shaking her head. “Why haven’t you _told_ anyone?”

“You saw how well _that_ just worked out,” Lauren said, unable to keep from snapping. Ey sighed. “Sorry.”

Bo met eir eyes briefly. “I guess I deserved that.”

Lauren pulled eir hands free, stepping away from Bo. “It was too dangerous.” It still was, to be frank, and even though Bo had a right to know, there was always the fear that she would tell someone else. “I was useful to the Ash, but not irreplaceable. If I had become too much trouble, I would have just… disappeared.” Ey tucked hair behind eir ear nervously.

Confused, Bo took eir hand again. “What do you mean, too much trouble? It’s strange, yeah, and kinda weird, but how is it trouble?”

Weird hurt, but Lauren didn’t let it show. “It’s—well, it’s not just the pronouns. I have pretty serious gender dysphoria, which means that I’m not comfortable with my body. I have…” Ey clenched eir free hand, trying to focus on that instead of the words. “I have days where I want to scrape off my skin. I wear sports bras when I can get away with it because that’s better than having _breasts_. I routinely look in the mirror and think ‘who is that’ before remembering that I’m trapped in a woman’s body.”

Bo stepped forward, hands sliding up to rest on Lauren’s shoulders. “And you couldn’t-?”

“There are surgeries,” Lauren said carefully, all too aware eir breathing was shaky, “that you can get, to remove things, or add them in. Um. I was looking at a bilateral mastectomy. Where they remove both my breasts. But they cost upwards of eight thousand all told.”

Bo’s hands clenched as she sighed. “You couldn’t afford it.”

Lauren shook eir head. “Not even remotely. The plan was, after we got back from the Congo, for me to go work at a clinic, and then we’d save up money for the surgery. And then…” Ey couldn’t talk about it anymore. Looking down, Lauren slowly raised one hand and rested it on Bo’s wrist.

“The Fae happened,” Bo finished, looking like she understood perfectly. “Nadia collapsed, the Ash recruited you, and you’ve spent five years trying to keep yourself alive. I get it.” She slipped one hand over to tilt Lauren’s chin up.

Lauren let her, standing still with one hand on Bo’s wrist and the other hanging loosely. Ey pressed eir head lightly against Bo’s hand. “Yes.”

Bo curled her fingers around Lauren’s jaw. “I don’t _get_ this gender thing. I don’t know why it’s so important to you and I have no clue why you’re not a woman—honestly, that’s what I see when I look at you.”

Swallowing, Lauren tensed.

“But it _is_ important to you,” Bo said firmly, looking into Lauren’s eyes. “So I’ll do the best I can to understand.”

Something loosened in Lauren’s chest and ey smiled slightly.

Bo kissed em, barely more than a brush of lips. “So,” she murmured against eir lips. “Why don’t you get back in bed, and I can find out which areas of your body you _do_ like.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the DSM IV on [Gender Identity Disorder](http://allpsych.com/disorders/sexual/genderidentity.html) (previous term for Gender Dysphoria). Note that the page is casually cissexist and eliminates nonbinary people.  
> Lauren cites the following studies:  
> [Sexual differentiation of the brain and behavior](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17875490)  
> [Sexual differentiation of the human brain: relevance for gender identity, transsexualism and sexual orientation](http://www.hawaii.edu/hivandaids/Sexual_Differentiation_of_the_Human_Brain__Relevance_for_Gender_Identity,_Transsexualism_and_Sexual_Orientation.pdf)  
> [A Critique of the Brain-Sex Theory of Transsexualism](http://www.annelawrence.com/twr/brain-sex_critique.html)  
> [Transsexual differences caught on brain scan](http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20032-transsexual-differences-caught-on-brain-scan.html)  
> [White matter microstructure in female to male transsexuals before cross-sex hormonal treatment](http://www.journalofpsychiatricresearch.com/article/S0022-3956\(10\)00158-5/abstract)  
> [Trans Mental Health Study 2012](http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/Medpro-Assets/trans_mh_study.pdf)


End file.
